i hate my life sometimes.

i feel like i can't do ANYTHING without upsetting somebody. you know what? screw all of you. i'm going to be friends with whomever i choose, i am going to date and like and maybe even LOVE whomever i choose. i am sick of bending to the needs of others that are only trying to mess up my happiness.

i am in a good place right now. i am not in a serious relationship with anybody and i am enjoying it. yes, i am semi-involved with z and yes, i have feelings for jax and yes, amber and i are hanging out AS FRIENDS. this is my life. i am only seventeen. i am enjoying it.

(:

i can't wait for christmas. i want to move in with emily. or keisa. away from here and all this shit.

i meant everything i said to you
i still mean it
i think i regret this.

creeperfest part 2

you are the writer i have always wanted to become.
you are the lover i have always hoped i could be.

i sit here and read the words you have written
for the loves that came before me
and i wish that i could be on the receiving end.
i want more than anything to deserve
a poem, poured on to the page
line by line
from the heart of the girl who
has sparked so much excitement
in mine.

i wouldn't call myself jealous
just captivated.
you make me feel about thirteen again

i am small when i stand next to you
you are big, strong
big presence
strong will

(i want to keep you in my pocket)

you are the writer i have always wanted to become.
you are the lover i have always hoped i could be.
you are the inspiration
you are just what i need.

i think there is something wrong with me. lately there are times when i just get so disgusted at the thought of someone touching me, even z. it's not her. it's something going bad in my head. i fight with everybody over tiny minuscule things that most of the time don't even exist. i point out invisible faults in practically every person in my life so that i have an excuse to not get close to them. i used to be this way but things changed. now everything is back to where it started and i'm not really diggin' it. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt myself.

also, i haven't been eating much lately. one meal a day normally, two tops. yesterday i hadn't eaten all day and i decided to have a lean cuisine. my mom says, "are you sure you should eat that?" really mom? it's a lean cuisine. i can't believe that even happened. sorry that not all of us are on your stupid little shake diet. i hate food. i never wanted to be one of those girls that says things like that. sometimes i look in the mirror and i'm just so disgusted. i haven't been sleeping enough either so if i even try to exercise i get exhausted after ten minutes. vicious cycle. insane circle. round. me.

i hate being a teenage girl. i hate being a teenager in general. i hate being a girl in general. i hate being a part of this society. i was told recently that i care more about appearances/what others think than things that actually matter. ouch. maybe it's true though.

oh and i give up on writing.

last winter i looked like this. now i look like this:

change is inevitable but i can't decide if this is a good or bad one.

sometimes i feel like even though i have such a GREAT plan for my future, it's not going to happen. i'm still going to fail and i'm going to be stuck here forever, drawing mustaches on my finger, taking silly pictures, and not washing my hair for three days at a time.
maybe this is really all there is? maybe all of the, "you can accomplish anything" is just something parents tell kids when they're younger so that they won't end up like me when they get to this point. but i'm already here so maybe it's just useless.
sean and i will never find a place to live and even if we do we'll never make rent. i won't be a good enough hairdresser... i'll probably be a beauty school dropout. seriously. i'm not going to get the job i applied for yesterday, i'm not going to finish all my credits in time and i'll have to go to adult school...
everything looks so bleak right now. i kinda have to wonder, what's the point?

i'm terrified for thanksgiving. family get togethers always end badly. this year, it's not just going to be my immediate family. i feel like the entire world is coming.
my mom is bringing her boyfriend. he's the most amazing man she's ever been with and the only one i've ever liked. he's a great guy, he's handsome, a good cook, funny and treats my mom like a queen. will my family see that? no. my grandpa will be too busy getting away from us, my grandma will be too busy trying to avoid the very obvious fact that al is black while making it completely clear that's all that she sees.
i'll hang out with lala and little red (:D!) to avoid the questions i just don't feel like answering. i don't want to talk about school, no i haven't gotten my license, no i don't have a job but yes, i am looking. i'm not a complete deadbeat. i know what i'm doing but i also know that i'm not living up to expectations. i know that nobody will approve. and the biggest question of all - yes, i still like girls. no, amber and i are not together any longer. yes, i'm FINE.
there's bound to be a debate about our new president. maybe even about prop 8. i don't know if i can handle it. i don't know if i'm ready for this.
maybe i should just. stay. home.

when i am sad, i like to listen to heartbreaking songs about lost love and being forgotten and drown myself in the emotion in the voices of damien rice and conor oberst and kevin devine so that i forget about my own problems. it usually works backwards and all of their sadness spills into me until i become a pitiful mess of a girl.
when i am happy, i like to plaster a smile to my face and pretend that i will never be that pathetic ever again. usually the smile comes unglued and i become just as broken as before. it's times like that i feel like such a teenage cliche. what almost-seventeen year old girl ISN'T miserable? there are times when i feel like i must be the saddest person in the whole world, even though i know it's ridiculous. and when i think about how happy i used to be, i get sadder. i just want to love life and everything/everyone in it.
i guess i just can't really believe that i've let one person break me down so much. what's wrong with me? i'm supposed to be stronger than this. i always have been. i was never one of those silly little girls, so infatuated with whoever they were dating that they let them become their world.
i let you become my world, and when you left, you ripped everything apart. it was almost like without you, everything was dark because you were no longer around to light up my life.
how ridiculous.
and now there's a tiny speck of light at the end of this tunnel but i don't think i can reach it. only because you won't leave my damn mind for more than five minutes, and then everything comes rushing back.
i just want to shine again. i want to be radiant and brilliant and beautiful and smiling. maybe you should give me my light back, because this is getting a little old.

dear world,
i am well aware that you do not recognize me anymore, that i am not even close to being the same person that i was once. so much has changed with me over the past year and even as recently as the past month. everything has been a complete whirlwind. i went from having somebody totally in love with me to losing that within a week's time. i think that would take a toll on anybody.
i am also well aware that you do not approve of my coping strategies and yes, i do realize that everything i am doing is only to try to get over it. it's helping so far, i'm sorry if you're disappointed.

kevin devine is a brilliant man and he has summed up everything i've been feeling lately in this:
A good man doesn't drink
And I've been drinking alone
So what does that make me?

My hands they always shake
And no one's calling my phone
So what does that make me?

And I know the kid with his guitar
So drunk and anxious
Has been done to death
But tell me what hasn't
I'll try it

Because I'm selfish enough
To wanna get better
But I'm backwards enough
Not to take any steps to get there

And when you realize it's a pattern
And not a phase
It's what you've become
And it's what you will stay
That's ballgame

'Cause I don't got room in my life
For anyone else
And I've driven away all the
People that could help
And I still don't even know what I
Need to do to fix myself

And there's a clamp around my chest
It tightens every time I lapse into
Another sorry story

About my miserable collapse
A bronze box I keep encased in glass
And dust off whenever I want your pity

'Cause lately I've had to come to grips
With scope and figure
How my problems stack up in a world
Two steps from ruin
(Or maybe it's rapture)

Well, either way, I realize that my shit's
About as small as it could be
But that makes me feel worse for even feeling
This bad in the first place

i need more days like this. days spent riding bikes and sailing boats with two people who really and truly love me, two people who have never once let me down. the wind was blowing my hair like mad but for once i didn't care, i was just so calm and at peace and one with everything around me. i was fulfilled, i was whole. the conversation i had with sara and the advice melanie gave me was the best part of the whole day. having friends that i feel comfortable with is a first and is definitely a great feeling.

i don't want to accomplish anything today. i want to curl up with a blanket and a good book and some tea and just read my life away until i fall asleep. that would be nice.

i wish i could memorize
the lines of your face
so every time you're away
i'll feel every trace
of your beautiful grace
your perfect being
like seeing god for the first time
raised up to the heavens
when you promised to be all mine
clenched a fist around your heart
to keep it safe from harm
to shade it from this world so cold
i'll always keep you warm darling
i'm the sun illuminating your blackest nights
i'm the sword fighting your toughest fights
and i'd gladly slay
every dragon along the way
if the path led to you
my path always leads to you
you are the sole destination
on each map that i read
the reason for every life i try to lead
and even when i'm not myself
you're at the center of my universe
i spend every day
picking you apart
word by word, verse by verse
and i still don't know what makes you tick
or what you see
in a silly little girl like me
who is just so bold
and never old enough
and entirely too in love with you


i become more mediocre every second. it hurts my head.

i want i want i want. i want to evolve. i want to know. know what? know everything. i want to be known for my writing. i want to be the next tegan quin. i want to be talented, creative, loved, respected. i want to open my heart and love someone with everything i have. i want to abolish my fears, my anxiety. i want to drive without panicking. i want to drive and drive and drive until i get to portugal, and yes, i want to drive across the ocean. i want to go to sleep and dream such vivid dreams that i will forever be changed and enlightened. i want to be completely and totally myself. i want to know who that is more than anything. i want all of these things and i want to make everybody around my proud while i'm at it. and if everybody i love could just be happy, well that would be quite nice, too.