i used to love long beach so much. i never thought i would want to get out. but now all i want is to leave. i can't wait until february, until my CAHSEE prep courses are over and i've taken the test because then i won't feel so obligated to stick around here. four hour saturday morning classes for the rest of the month- ARE YOU KIDDING?

7 pounds is the saddest movie i have ever seen but it's so good. so, so, so good. i cried for hours afterward. it made me think about so much.

oh, and dear jacqueline - i am okay without you. i can stand on my own. i have my priorities straight and you do not, and that's just something i don't need. especially after the way you talked to me two nights ago... maybe it's finally safe to say that i am done for good.

i've purposely pushed away all three of you

there you go.




dear self, welcome to hermit-ville.

i just took this. i just woke up. i am still half asleep. my body is empty and my mind is full. full of questions that i will probably never receive answers to. i have been watching heartbreaking movies lately and listening to music that i feel in the very bottom of my soul. i am depressed and happy at the same time and it's weird. as long as i remain disconnected from everything, i am capable of feeling a few moments of bliss. i can't stay disconnected forever. i am going to have to force myself to feel something real eventually. but for now, this is okay.

every time there are drastic changes in my life, i change my hair. not this past winter but the one before, amber was breaking my heart and i cut off about six inches of it. i did that again this past april, once it had finally grown out again. i dyed it last night. that is a sure sign things are falling apart.


How can I go home
With nothing to say?
I know you're going to look at me that way
And say "What did you do out there?
And what did you decide?"
You said you needed time
And you had time

You are a china shop
And I am a bull
You are really good food
And i am full
I guess everything is timing
I guess everything's been said
So I am coming home with an empty head

You'll say "Did they love you or what?"
I'll say "They love what I do
The only one who really loves me is you"
And you'll say "Girl, did you kick some butt?"
And I'll say "I don't really remember
But my fingers are sore
And my voice is too"

You'll say "It's really good to see you"
You'll say "I missed you horribly"
You'll say "Let me carry that
Give that to me"
And you will take the heavy stuff
And you will drive the car
And I'll look out the window and make jokes
About the way things are

How can I go home
With nothing to say?
I know you're going to look at me that way
And say "What did you do out there?
And what did you decide?"
You said you needed time
and you had time

You had time...
You had time...
You had time...
You had time...

dreams

last night i had a bad dream, a nightmare. i am not going to go in to detail but it involved a car crash which led to an explosion and a fire and i jumped into a lake that wouldn't stop moving and changing and i couldn't get out.

after looking at a dream website, i have been brought to a conclusion that i could have come to myself: all of these things are symbols for destruction. things falling apart. pain. the thing is, they were all caused by me. i caused the car accident. i was driving, i was speeding, i kept pressing the gas instead of the brake and i KNEW i was doing it but i kept doing it. that led to the explosion/fire and then i threw myself into the lake.

i guess my subconscious is still blaming me for everything that is going wrong in my life. i probably could have predicted that. as strong and empowered as i pretend to be, i will never make as much progress as i want to. i will always be to blame and i just need to come to terms with that.

i am honestly so angry with you right now. you are only making this worse for the both of us.




YES, one line cryptic blog posts ftw.

you said you loved me
and i kind of believe that
but these days,
who knows what that means?


i love my life and i love my friends, no matter how sad i am inside.

my day started with tears and there were some more in the middle and now it is ending in tears. i am realizing that i can not blame these tears on myself anymore. i almost typed "i can not blame these tears on anybody but me" because that is what i am so used to. i take all the blame 100% of the time. i can blame people for these tears, i can blame ONE person for these tears, i can give each and every one of them a name. her name. but i can not blame her for taking away my general happiness because she would not have been able to take it if i had not willingly handed it to her.

in the past ten months i have lost sight of myself yet again and that scares me. am i going to be one of those girls who constantly gets so involved with the person they are dating that they lose themselves, and it is the end of the world when it is over?

maybe it's just a coincidence that i dated amber and jax one right after another. amber was such a different story, the relationship motivated more by fear and control and loss of power than by love and willingness to stick around. jax was even more different, motivated completely by how in love with her i was (and i guess still am) on my end, and by i don't know what on hers. i allowed her to string me along for ten months before finally saying "enough". and honestly? if she hadn't already pretty much dropped me on my ass over the past week or so, i probably wouldn't have stood up for myself.

all i want is to be strong and independent. i want to find myself again and once i am found, i want to learn to love myself for the first time in my life. my self respect has gone out the window, my self image is shot to hell and i can't help but feel that i have deserved all of this pain even though in my heart i know that i don't. i told jacqueline that while i may not know who i am at this very moment, because i have adopted so many of her personality traits since knowing her, i DO know the love i am capable of giving to someone. and while i may not know what i want, because i am so warped because of what she has done to me, i DO know what i deserve. and maybe i will learn to stop settling for less than that.

someone has made their way back into my life who is way out of my league, way more than i deserve, yet she still sits and waits around for me while i treat her like dirt because i am so confused and torn up inside. what is that? why me? i know she is good for me and i know she could be just what i need if i were able to stop pushing her away but i just can't figure out how to do that right now. z, i hope you know (though you probably don't) how sorry i am, how much you mean to me, how much i care for you. i am so sorry for hurting you and it has been so unintentional and i just want better for you. maybe, hopefully, i can give you that one day.

other than that, i filled out a job application today for a job that is actually a possible thing and a few hours later manny reminded me that i am seventeen now and in a year i will be eighteen. i am so afraid. i don't even know who i am anymore! the only word i have been able to use to define myself over the past two years is broken. how pathetic.

i think it's time to fix myself.

hello, you claimed to be in love with me and want to spend our lives together. you broke your promises as well as my heart so why don't you just continue to be an asshole to me? i can tell how much you care. really.

i am so confused by everything right now. nothing makes sense anymore and it all just makes my head hurt. i want to sleep all the time and take up horrible habits and neglect everybody in my life. this is karma, i know it.