last winter i looked like this. now i look like this:

change is inevitable but i can't decide if this is a good or bad one.

sometimes i feel like even though i have such a GREAT plan for my future, it's not going to happen. i'm still going to fail and i'm going to be stuck here forever, drawing mustaches on my finger, taking silly pictures, and not washing my hair for three days at a time.
maybe this is really all there is? maybe all of the, "you can accomplish anything" is just something parents tell kids when they're younger so that they won't end up like me when they get to this point. but i'm already here so maybe it's just useless.
sean and i will never find a place to live and even if we do we'll never make rent. i won't be a good enough hairdresser... i'll probably be a beauty school dropout. seriously. i'm not going to get the job i applied for yesterday, i'm not going to finish all my credits in time and i'll have to go to adult school...
everything looks so bleak right now. i kinda have to wonder, what's the point?

i'm terrified for thanksgiving. family get togethers always end badly. this year, it's not just going to be my immediate family. i feel like the entire world is coming.
my mom is bringing her boyfriend. he's the most amazing man she's ever been with and the only one i've ever liked. he's a great guy, he's handsome, a good cook, funny and treats my mom like a queen. will my family see that? no. my grandpa will be too busy getting away from us, my grandma will be too busy trying to avoid the very obvious fact that al is black while making it completely clear that's all that she sees.
i'll hang out with lala and little red (:D!) to avoid the questions i just don't feel like answering. i don't want to talk about school, no i haven't gotten my license, no i don't have a job but yes, i am looking. i'm not a complete deadbeat. i know what i'm doing but i also know that i'm not living up to expectations. i know that nobody will approve. and the biggest question of all - yes, i still like girls. no, amber and i are not together any longer. yes, i'm FINE.
there's bound to be a debate about our new president. maybe even about prop 8. i don't know if i can handle it. i don't know if i'm ready for this.
maybe i should just. stay. home.