when i am sad, i like to listen to heartbreaking songs about lost love and being forgotten and drown myself in the emotion in the voices of damien rice and conor oberst and kevin devine so that i forget about my own problems. it usually works backwards and all of their sadness spills into me until i become a pitiful mess of a girl.
when i am happy, i like to plaster a smile to my face and pretend that i will never be that pathetic ever again. usually the smile comes unglued and i become just as broken as before. it's times like that i feel like such a teenage cliche. what almost-seventeen year old girl ISN'T miserable? there are times when i feel like i must be the saddest person in the whole world, even though i know it's ridiculous. and when i think about how happy i used to be, i get sadder. i just want to love life and everything/everyone in it.
i guess i just can't really believe that i've let one person break me down so much. what's wrong with me? i'm supposed to be stronger than this. i always have been. i was never one of those silly little girls, so infatuated with whoever they were dating that they let them become their world.
i let you become my world, and when you left, you ripped everything apart. it was almost like without you, everything was dark because you were no longer around to light up my life.
how ridiculous.
and now there's a tiny speck of light at the end of this tunnel but i don't think i can reach it. only because you won't leave my damn mind for more than five minutes, and then everything comes rushing back.
i just want to shine again. i want to be radiant and brilliant and beautiful and smiling. maybe you should give me my light back, because this is getting a little old.

dear world,
i am well aware that you do not recognize me anymore, that i am not even close to being the same person that i was once. so much has changed with me over the past year and even as recently as the past month. everything has been a complete whirlwind. i went from having somebody totally in love with me to losing that within a week's time. i think that would take a toll on anybody.
i am also well aware that you do not approve of my coping strategies and yes, i do realize that everything i am doing is only to try to get over it. it's helping so far, i'm sorry if you're disappointed.

kevin devine is a brilliant man and he has summed up everything i've been feeling lately in this:
A good man doesn't drink
And I've been drinking alone
So what does that make me?

My hands they always shake
And no one's calling my phone
So what does that make me?

And I know the kid with his guitar
So drunk and anxious
Has been done to death
But tell me what hasn't
I'll try it

Because I'm selfish enough
To wanna get better
But I'm backwards enough
Not to take any steps to get there

And when you realize it's a pattern
And not a phase
It's what you've become
And it's what you will stay
That's ballgame

'Cause I don't got room in my life
For anyone else
And I've driven away all the
People that could help
And I still don't even know what I
Need to do to fix myself

And there's a clamp around my chest
It tightens every time I lapse into
Another sorry story

About my miserable collapse
A bronze box I keep encased in glass
And dust off whenever I want your pity

'Cause lately I've had to come to grips
With scope and figure
How my problems stack up in a world
Two steps from ruin
(Or maybe it's rapture)

Well, either way, I realize that my shit's
About as small as it could be
But that makes me feel worse for even feeling
This bad in the first place

i need more days like this. days spent riding bikes and sailing boats with two people who really and truly love me, two people who have never once let me down. the wind was blowing my hair like mad but for once i didn't care, i was just so calm and at peace and one with everything around me. i was fulfilled, i was whole. the conversation i had with sara and the advice melanie gave me was the best part of the whole day. having friends that i feel comfortable with is a first and is definitely a great feeling.

i don't want to accomplish anything today. i want to curl up with a blanket and a good book and some tea and just read my life away until i fall asleep. that would be nice.

i wish i could memorize
the lines of your face
so every time you're away
i'll feel every trace
of your beautiful grace
your perfect being
like seeing god for the first time
raised up to the heavens
when you promised to be all mine
clenched a fist around your heart
to keep it safe from harm
to shade it from this world so cold
i'll always keep you warm darling
i'm the sun illuminating your blackest nights
i'm the sword fighting your toughest fights
and i'd gladly slay
every dragon along the way
if the path led to you
my path always leads to you
you are the sole destination
on each map that i read
the reason for every life i try to lead
and even when i'm not myself
you're at the center of my universe
i spend every day
picking you apart
word by word, verse by verse
and i still don't know what makes you tick
or what you see
in a silly little girl like me
who is just so bold
and never old enough
and entirely too in love with you


i become more mediocre every second. it hurts my head.

i want i want i want. i want to evolve. i want to know. know what? know everything. i want to be known for my writing. i want to be the next tegan quin. i want to be talented, creative, loved, respected. i want to open my heart and love someone with everything i have. i want to abolish my fears, my anxiety. i want to drive without panicking. i want to drive and drive and drive until i get to portugal, and yes, i want to drive across the ocean. i want to go to sleep and dream such vivid dreams that i will forever be changed and enlightened. i want to be completely and totally myself. i want to know who that is more than anything. i want all of these things and i want to make everybody around my proud while i'm at it. and if everybody i love could just be happy, well that would be quite nice, too.