i hate my life sometimes.

i feel like i can't do ANYTHING without upsetting somebody. you know what? screw all of you. i'm going to be friends with whomever i choose, i am going to date and like and maybe even LOVE whomever i choose. i am sick of bending to the needs of others that are only trying to mess up my happiness.

i am in a good place right now. i am not in a serious relationship with anybody and i am enjoying it. yes, i am semi-involved with z and yes, i have feelings for jax and yes, amber and i are hanging out AS FRIENDS. this is my life. i am only seventeen. i am enjoying it.

(:

i can't wait for christmas. i want to move in with emily. or keisa. away from here and all this shit.

i meant everything i said to you
i still mean it
i think i regret this.

creeperfest part 2

you are the writer i have always wanted to become.
you are the lover i have always hoped i could be.

i sit here and read the words you have written
for the loves that came before me
and i wish that i could be on the receiving end.
i want more than anything to deserve
a poem, poured on to the page
line by line
from the heart of the girl who
has sparked so much excitement
in mine.

i wouldn't call myself jealous
just captivated.
you make me feel about thirteen again

i am small when i stand next to you
you are big, strong
big presence
strong will

(i want to keep you in my pocket)

you are the writer i have always wanted to become.
you are the lover i have always hoped i could be.
you are the inspiration
you are just what i need.

i think there is something wrong with me. lately there are times when i just get so disgusted at the thought of someone touching me, even z. it's not her. it's something going bad in my head. i fight with everybody over tiny minuscule things that most of the time don't even exist. i point out invisible faults in practically every person in my life so that i have an excuse to not get close to them. i used to be this way but things changed. now everything is back to where it started and i'm not really diggin' it. i don't want to hurt anyone. i don't want to hurt myself.

also, i haven't been eating much lately. one meal a day normally, two tops. yesterday i hadn't eaten all day and i decided to have a lean cuisine. my mom says, "are you sure you should eat that?" really mom? it's a lean cuisine. i can't believe that even happened. sorry that not all of us are on your stupid little shake diet. i hate food. i never wanted to be one of those girls that says things like that. sometimes i look in the mirror and i'm just so disgusted. i haven't been sleeping enough either so if i even try to exercise i get exhausted after ten minutes. vicious cycle. insane circle. round. me.

i hate being a teenage girl. i hate being a teenager in general. i hate being a girl in general. i hate being a part of this society. i was told recently that i care more about appearances/what others think than things that actually matter. ouch. maybe it's true though.

oh and i give up on writing.