ive been realizing a lot lately. i was miserable for a few weeks. that's expected, right? but slowly the pain, the "i miss her" screaming in my head over and over, day after day, became a dull roar. more of a, "hey, we've dated for over a year and i am so used to spending every second of my life talking to you or being with you or talking ABOUT you or thinking of you or something." i realized how much of my life i put on hold for her. i realized how much of myself i sacrificed for her. i also realized (or more, was forced to realize) that she and amber are practically one in the same. realizing that has left me questioning myself practically every second, wondering how i could have been so stupid. i swore that amber was different every time she left and came back. when i met jax i swore she was different, just what i needed. she was neither. i made the same excuses for her that i made for amber. i sacrificed the same things. i became the same pathetic person. they are the same and i obviously have a thing for assholes.

i'm not saying jax was a waste of time. i mean, i have said it. i've said plenty of stupid and immature and petty things over the past month or so. i don't mean the majority of these things but i can't help the fact that it feels good to say them. she hurt me so much but once again, i LET her. i dismissed the advice of the people who care for me because i was so set on being in love with her. and i WAS in love with her. i'm not going to deny it like i did with amber; i can't pretend that it wasn't real for me. it was. it was so incredibly real for me and i meant everything i said to her, planned to carry out every promise i made. but here's the thing: i don't love her anymore. not only am i not in love with her, i simply don't LOVE her. at all. i have no respect for her and i've also come to realize that she is a very miserable person.

i am pretty happy.

i mean, this whole not loving her/being over it thing is recent. as in, the past threeish days recent. before that it was tough. i couldn't decide how i felt. some days i thought i was so in love with her and surely i would wait forever. other days i swore i hated her and never wanted to see her again. the majority of the time it was the former. eventually it became more of the latter.

then i made the mistake of seeing her. confiding in her (long story short: amber had been hardcore flirting with me for a few weeks. i didn't know how to react or what to do. i told jax. jax told amber. amber made it seem like i lied, like i had been throwing myself at her, etc. made me seem like the bad guy. manipulated her way out of that situation the way she always does). so yeah, now she thinks i'm a two faced bitch. in fact she left me a voicemail about how much she is ashamed to even know me.

and as much as that hurt, and as much as i wanted to die right then and there when i heard it, it did something else too. it freed me of her. totally and completely. after hearing it, i didn't love her. i didn't miss her. i didn't want her. i didn't hate her, either. she was just there. there and cruel, but just there for the most part.

i guess i'm kind of upset at myself for letting myself fall for the same kind of person amber was, especially after i swore up and down that i was stronger and would never let anyone put me through that again. i think jax was better at hiding it. at least for a while. and when i met her i was already so broken and vulnerable, i would have done anything to keep her around. i let it go on for too long. i wish i hadn't gotten back together with her in february but everything happens for a reason. i've learned a lot from this. i have respect for myself that i never had before. it's almost like all of the respect i lost for her, i gained for me.

it does still hurt a little bit, especially when she says mean things to me. it's like, a month ago you were promising me forever. a month ago you loved me. i don't think she ever did though. i don't think she really knows what love is yet. she's too selfish for that. i've learned that as well. she cares more for herself than anyone else in her life and that's fine. but that's not how i am and that's not the type of the person i want to be with. she wasn't the one for me and everybody else saw that ages ago. it took me a little longer, but i figured it out.

i've been trying hard not to jump back in to anything with anyone. i've really been enjoying being single and finding myself again. z has come back in to my life (more like she was there all along and i just stopped ignoring her). i've been resisting her with everything in me just like last time. it's not even really about her, it's about me being afraid to be in a relationship or just not really wanting one in general. she's so great, though. and after the "freeing myself of jax" thing, i realized one more thing: you can't force things. chelsey told me to "let go and let god". so i am.

i'm letting myself have these feelings for z, letting myself get to know her all over again (which is crazy because i've known her for almost six years). letting her treat me right. i don't want to push either way. i'm not expecting anything but things are just falling in to place. she makes me really happy but who knows. i don't want to move too fast. things will happen the way they are meant to.

i really and truly do love life even though it's completely insane sometimes. but i guess the unexpected is a gift in a way. everything happens for a reason and i need to just keep reminding myself of that. i'll be okay. in fact, i already am.

will i ever be happy again?

i am practicing emotional nudity
in a society where
a cornucopia of
layers and masks is
far more accepted

in this not-so-wonderland
that even pan wouldn't find attractive
since no one stays young
anymore
little girls will
paint their faces
and
rat their hair
desperately trying to erase
any semblance of
unparalleled youth

it rhymes with truth for a reason

8 months ago i made a mistake that will probably haunt me forever because, now that it has been brought to light, it has probably cost me the most important thing in my life.

i am so stupid.

i'm feeling very nostalgic today. i have spent my morning reminiscing about the past- as far back as elementary school. thinking about everything and how much it has changed is making me physically ache. my head is in a place that i really wish it wasn't right now. i feel like my brain is spinning out of control with memories (some of them of things that never happened, i KNOW they never happened- filling myself with false situations and i don't know whether it's comforting or driving me crazy).

i had a dream last night about zachary newton. that was odd. in elementary school, when i still lived in vista, i had little "boyfriend" type things. this one guy, randy collins, we were "together" for like a year and a half. that's funny. and then there was joe tanner and jimmy marshall. i have randy added on myspace. last time i talked to him he told me that he may have change a lot physically (boy is FINE), but he was still the same person at heart. he has the same morals. he said it was clear that i do not. and that's so true. i've become the kind of girl that i would have hated or feared or been sad for when i was eleven years old. my morals are like... well, what morals? randy was a good guy then and he still is. would i have remained 'good' and pure if i had stayed in vista? i don't think i ever would have come out. maybe i would have stayed skinny and blonde and bubbly and popular and dated randy for the rest of my life. or zachary. that's what my dream was about anyway, we were together. i don't know. it's really strange because in the dream zach was all 'grown up' but i still recognized him. i looked him up on myspace and he looks the same way now as he did in the dream i had. it has me all thrown off.
(i've talked to jimmy & joe since leaving vista as well. in eighth grade jimmy and i were starting to get close again, but then it just didn't happen. the last time i talked to him we had an argument about gay marriage and i kind of lost respect for him. joe... i called him once in seventh grade and wanted to get together and he was a total jerk about it. that was that.

and if i hadn't moved away from oceanside, what would my life be? every single person that i was close to then smokes weed every day of their life now. would i have come out completely? would i have stayed with kyle?

if i had never moved here so much would be different. for some reason, i feel like i never would have met amber- even though that has nothing to do with living in long beach. sometimes i think that would have been a good thing. i never would have met manny/sara/alexis/gio, that whole crowd - and as of now i'm thinking that would have been a good thing, too. as much as i love laurence- i never would have met him or gotten involved with all of the bad that he brings along with him everywhere he goes- good thing. but i never would have met jax. that kills me to think about. i never would have met chelsey or gilbert or some of the semi decent people that live here. so i'm kind of on the fence about if moving here was a good thing or not.

other than that, i'm reminiscing about my relationship with jax. so much has happened. so much has changed. we kind of talked about it over the weekend. about how when we first got together, she changed from who she used to be (lying, cheating, not caring) to this devoted, faithful girl. she did it for me. and then i got scared and confused and broke up with her and tainted her and she changed back. and then every time we got back together after that, she was still the same and she hurt me a lot. but now... she's taking it seriously. she's done risking her happiness out of fear of hurting other people or getting hurt. we're doing so wonderfully, but i am still terrified to lose her. i sit up at night thinking about it. i know i shouldn't. i know that, if anything, that is what will hurt us in the end- my fear, my insecurity. i just wish i didn't have to think about everything so much.

we've gone from this:


to this:
to this:
to this:
in a year's time. and i can't wait for a lifetime more. as confused as i am right now, that's the one thing that i'm sure about.

indirect blogs are even better than indirect bulletins, sara! the thing is that i would much rather be emotionally unavailable or have some "baggage" than be completely heartless. being a compassionate person will get me somewhere in life, while in the long run you will become miserable because you have closed your heart to anything good that comes along.
also, keep on trying to impress manny. it's cute.


tonight was very, very interesting. i had a ghostly experience and it was very thrilling.
jax, amber & i were driving around in fullerton. as we pass the high school, amber started to tell us how it was haunted. immediately we felt a chill and this really eerie feeling settled over the car. amber jokingly says, "wanna park and go in?" i am stoked. ghosts? hell yeah. so i convince her to do it (though jax was really the one who needed the convincing, she was practically having a panic attack in the backseat). we park across the street from the campus side entrance. we are next to a row of streetlights, all lit up except for one. as we step out of the car, the unlit streetlight suddenly becomes illuminated. it is a totally different color than the rest. i try to write it off as a coincidence.
we walk through the gate to the school and the door to the auditorium is wide open. i peek inside to search for a janitor and see no sign of one. no big deal, he could have just been in the back or something. we continue to explore the campus. as we are heading over to the auto shop garage, we hear a loud roaring noise. we look around to see a monster truck accelerating toward us. i book it. i seriously don't think i have ever run so fast in my life. jax and amber follow behind me, and as soon as we turn the corner, the roaring stops. we look back to where we were and the truck is gone.
the thing is, there was no where for it to go. if it had continued to move forward, it would have hit a wall. to the left, it would have gone into the pool. and to the right, it would have followed us. it did not have time to back up and take off before we looked again. we also would have heard it if that had happened. it was just gone.
we run to the car, thoroughly freaked out. the light that turned on when we got there flickers out as we shut the doors and speed away.

my body is covered in writing
my skin is fashioned from words
little fragments of poems
sitting upon every inch of bare flesh
and i will never finish them
instead i will love them for what they are
i will tell them that they are beautiful
even as works in progress.

i haven't had much to say lately. i'm graduating a year early. jax and i are back together. i can't believe i've been in love with her for almost a year (february 28th [:). everything's great except i kind of hate my mom. but that's nothing new and i'm pretty sure it's normal for being seventeen.

i used to love long beach so much. i never thought i would want to get out. but now all i want is to leave. i can't wait until february, until my CAHSEE prep courses are over and i've taken the test because then i won't feel so obligated to stick around here. four hour saturday morning classes for the rest of the month- ARE YOU KIDDING?

7 pounds is the saddest movie i have ever seen but it's so good. so, so, so good. i cried for hours afterward. it made me think about so much.

oh, and dear jacqueline - i am okay without you. i can stand on my own. i have my priorities straight and you do not, and that's just something i don't need. especially after the way you talked to me two nights ago... maybe it's finally safe to say that i am done for good.

i've purposely pushed away all three of you

there you go.




dear self, welcome to hermit-ville.

i just took this. i just woke up. i am still half asleep. my body is empty and my mind is full. full of questions that i will probably never receive answers to. i have been watching heartbreaking movies lately and listening to music that i feel in the very bottom of my soul. i am depressed and happy at the same time and it's weird. as long as i remain disconnected from everything, i am capable of feeling a few moments of bliss. i can't stay disconnected forever. i am going to have to force myself to feel something real eventually. but for now, this is okay.

every time there are drastic changes in my life, i change my hair. not this past winter but the one before, amber was breaking my heart and i cut off about six inches of it. i did that again this past april, once it had finally grown out again. i dyed it last night. that is a sure sign things are falling apart.


How can I go home
With nothing to say?
I know you're going to look at me that way
And say "What did you do out there?
And what did you decide?"
You said you needed time
And you had time

You are a china shop
And I am a bull
You are really good food
And i am full
I guess everything is timing
I guess everything's been said
So I am coming home with an empty head

You'll say "Did they love you or what?"
I'll say "They love what I do
The only one who really loves me is you"
And you'll say "Girl, did you kick some butt?"
And I'll say "I don't really remember
But my fingers are sore
And my voice is too"

You'll say "It's really good to see you"
You'll say "I missed you horribly"
You'll say "Let me carry that
Give that to me"
And you will take the heavy stuff
And you will drive the car
And I'll look out the window and make jokes
About the way things are

How can I go home
With nothing to say?
I know you're going to look at me that way
And say "What did you do out there?
And what did you decide?"
You said you needed time
and you had time

You had time...
You had time...
You had time...
You had time...

dreams

last night i had a bad dream, a nightmare. i am not going to go in to detail but it involved a car crash which led to an explosion and a fire and i jumped into a lake that wouldn't stop moving and changing and i couldn't get out.

after looking at a dream website, i have been brought to a conclusion that i could have come to myself: all of these things are symbols for destruction. things falling apart. pain. the thing is, they were all caused by me. i caused the car accident. i was driving, i was speeding, i kept pressing the gas instead of the brake and i KNEW i was doing it but i kept doing it. that led to the explosion/fire and then i threw myself into the lake.

i guess my subconscious is still blaming me for everything that is going wrong in my life. i probably could have predicted that. as strong and empowered as i pretend to be, i will never make as much progress as i want to. i will always be to blame and i just need to come to terms with that.

i am honestly so angry with you right now. you are only making this worse for the both of us.




YES, one line cryptic blog posts ftw.

you said you loved me
and i kind of believe that
but these days,
who knows what that means?


i love my life and i love my friends, no matter how sad i am inside.

my day started with tears and there were some more in the middle and now it is ending in tears. i am realizing that i can not blame these tears on myself anymore. i almost typed "i can not blame these tears on anybody but me" because that is what i am so used to. i take all the blame 100% of the time. i can blame people for these tears, i can blame ONE person for these tears, i can give each and every one of them a name. her name. but i can not blame her for taking away my general happiness because she would not have been able to take it if i had not willingly handed it to her.

in the past ten months i have lost sight of myself yet again and that scares me. am i going to be one of those girls who constantly gets so involved with the person they are dating that they lose themselves, and it is the end of the world when it is over?

maybe it's just a coincidence that i dated amber and jax one right after another. amber was such a different story, the relationship motivated more by fear and control and loss of power than by love and willingness to stick around. jax was even more different, motivated completely by how in love with her i was (and i guess still am) on my end, and by i don't know what on hers. i allowed her to string me along for ten months before finally saying "enough". and honestly? if she hadn't already pretty much dropped me on my ass over the past week or so, i probably wouldn't have stood up for myself.

all i want is to be strong and independent. i want to find myself again and once i am found, i want to learn to love myself for the first time in my life. my self respect has gone out the window, my self image is shot to hell and i can't help but feel that i have deserved all of this pain even though in my heart i know that i don't. i told jacqueline that while i may not know who i am at this very moment, because i have adopted so many of her personality traits since knowing her, i DO know the love i am capable of giving to someone. and while i may not know what i want, because i am so warped because of what she has done to me, i DO know what i deserve. and maybe i will learn to stop settling for less than that.

someone has made their way back into my life who is way out of my league, way more than i deserve, yet she still sits and waits around for me while i treat her like dirt because i am so confused and torn up inside. what is that? why me? i know she is good for me and i know she could be just what i need if i were able to stop pushing her away but i just can't figure out how to do that right now. z, i hope you know (though you probably don't) how sorry i am, how much you mean to me, how much i care for you. i am so sorry for hurting you and it has been so unintentional and i just want better for you. maybe, hopefully, i can give you that one day.

other than that, i filled out a job application today for a job that is actually a possible thing and a few hours later manny reminded me that i am seventeen now and in a year i will be eighteen. i am so afraid. i don't even know who i am anymore! the only word i have been able to use to define myself over the past two years is broken. how pathetic.

i think it's time to fix myself.

hello, you claimed to be in love with me and want to spend our lives together. you broke your promises as well as my heart so why don't you just continue to be an asshole to me? i can tell how much you care. really.

i am so confused by everything right now. nothing makes sense anymore and it all just makes my head hurt. i want to sleep all the time and take up horrible habits and neglect everybody in my life. this is karma, i know it.