when i am sad, i like to listen to heartbreaking songs about lost love and being forgotten and drown myself in the emotion in the voices of damien rice and conor oberst and kevin devine so that i forget about my own problems. it usually works backwards and all of their sadness spills into me until i become a pitiful mess of a girl.
when i am happy, i like to plaster a smile to my face and pretend that i will never be that pathetic ever again. usually the smile comes unglued and i become just as broken as before. it's times like that i feel like such a teenage cliche. what almost-seventeen year old girl ISN'T miserable? there are times when i feel like i must be the saddest person in the whole world, even though i know it's ridiculous. and when i think about how happy i used to be, i get sadder. i just want to love life and everything/everyone in it.
i guess i just can't really believe that i've let one person break me down so much. what's wrong with me? i'm supposed to be stronger than this. i always have been. i was never one of those silly little girls, so infatuated with whoever they were dating that they let them become their world.
i let you become my world, and when you left, you ripped everything apart. it was almost like without you, everything was dark because you were no longer around to light up my life.
how ridiculous.
and now there's a tiny speck of light at the end of this tunnel but i don't think i can reach it. only because you won't leave my damn mind for more than five minutes, and then everything comes rushing back.
i just want to shine again. i want to be radiant and brilliant and beautiful and smiling. maybe you should give me my light back, because this is getting a little old.