i'm feeling very nostalgic today. i have spent my morning reminiscing about the past- as far back as elementary school. thinking about everything and how much it has changed is making me physically ache. my head is in a place that i really wish it wasn't right now. i feel like my brain is spinning out of control with memories (some of them of things that never happened, i KNOW they never happened- filling myself with false situations and i don't know whether it's comforting or driving me crazy).
i had a dream last night about zachary newton. that was odd. in elementary school, when i still lived in vista, i had little "boyfriend" type things. this one guy, randy collins, we were "together" for like a year and a half. that's funny. and then there was joe tanner and jimmy marshall. i have randy added on myspace. last time i talked to him he told me that he may have change a lot physically (boy is FINE), but he was still the same person at heart. he has the same morals. he said it was clear that i do not. and that's so true. i've become the kind of girl that i would have hated or feared or been sad for when i was eleven years old. my morals are like... well, what morals? randy was a good guy then and he still is. would i have remained 'good' and pure if i had stayed in vista? i don't think i ever would have come out. maybe i would have stayed skinny and blonde and bubbly and popular and dated randy for the rest of my life. or zachary. that's what my dream was about anyway, we were together. i don't know. it's really strange because in the dream zach was all 'grown up' but i still recognized him. i looked him up on myspace and he looks the same way now as he did in the dream i had. it has me all thrown off.
(i've talked to jimmy & joe since leaving vista as well. in eighth grade jimmy and i were starting to get close again, but then it just didn't happen. the last time i talked to him we had an argument about gay marriage and i kind of lost respect for him. joe... i called him once in seventh grade and wanted to get together and he was a total jerk about it. that was that.
and if i hadn't moved away from oceanside, what would my life be? every single person that i was close to then smokes weed every day of their life now. would i have come out completely? would i have stayed with kyle?
if i had never moved here so much would be different. for some reason, i feel like i never would have met amber- even though that has nothing to do with living in long beach. sometimes i think that would have been a good thing. i never would have met manny/sara/alexis/gio, that whole crowd - and as of now i'm thinking that would have been a good thing, too. as much as i love laurence- i never would have met him or gotten involved with all of the bad that he brings along with him everywhere he goes- good thing. but i never would have met jax. that kills me to think about. i never would have met chelsey or gilbert or some of the semi decent people that live here. so i'm kind of on the fence about if moving here was a good thing or not.
other than that, i'm reminiscing about my relationship with jax. so much has happened. so much has changed. we kind of talked about it over the weekend. about how when we first got together, she changed from who she used to be (lying, cheating, not caring) to this devoted, faithful girl. she did it for me. and then i got scared and confused and broke up with her and tainted her and she changed back. and then every time we got back together after that, she was still the same and she hurt me a lot. but now... she's taking it seriously. she's done risking her happiness out of fear of hurting other people or getting hurt. we're doing so wonderfully, but i am still terrified to lose her. i sit up at night thinking about it. i know i shouldn't. i know that, if anything, that is what will hurt us in the end- my fear, my insecurity. i just wish i didn't have to think about everything so much.
we've gone from this:
to this:
to this:
to this:
in a year's time. and i can't wait for a lifetime more. as confused as i am right now, that's the one thing that i'm sure about.
i had a dream last night about zachary newton. that was odd. in elementary school, when i still lived in vista, i had little "boyfriend" type things. this one guy, randy collins, we were "together" for like a year and a half. that's funny. and then there was joe tanner and jimmy marshall. i have randy added on myspace. last time i talked to him he told me that he may have change a lot physically (boy is FINE), but he was still the same person at heart. he has the same morals. he said it was clear that i do not. and that's so true. i've become the kind of girl that i would have hated or feared or been sad for when i was eleven years old. my morals are like... well, what morals? randy was a good guy then and he still is. would i have remained 'good' and pure if i had stayed in vista? i don't think i ever would have come out. maybe i would have stayed skinny and blonde and bubbly and popular and dated randy for the rest of my life. or zachary. that's what my dream was about anyway, we were together. i don't know. it's really strange because in the dream zach was all 'grown up' but i still recognized him. i looked him up on myspace and he looks the same way now as he did in the dream i had. it has me all thrown off.
(i've talked to jimmy & joe since leaving vista as well. in eighth grade jimmy and i were starting to get close again, but then it just didn't happen. the last time i talked to him we had an argument about gay marriage and i kind of lost respect for him. joe... i called him once in seventh grade and wanted to get together and he was a total jerk about it. that was that.
and if i hadn't moved away from oceanside, what would my life be? every single person that i was close to then smokes weed every day of their life now. would i have come out completely? would i have stayed with kyle?
if i had never moved here so much would be different. for some reason, i feel like i never would have met amber- even though that has nothing to do with living in long beach. sometimes i think that would have been a good thing. i never would have met manny/sara/alexis/gio, that whole crowd - and as of now i'm thinking that would have been a good thing, too. as much as i love laurence- i never would have met him or gotten involved with all of the bad that he brings along with him everywhere he goes- good thing. but i never would have met jax. that kills me to think about. i never would have met chelsey or gilbert or some of the semi decent people that live here. so i'm kind of on the fence about if moving here was a good thing or not.
other than that, i'm reminiscing about my relationship with jax. so much has happened. so much has changed. we kind of talked about it over the weekend. about how when we first got together, she changed from who she used to be (lying, cheating, not caring) to this devoted, faithful girl. she did it for me. and then i got scared and confused and broke up with her and tainted her and she changed back. and then every time we got back together after that, she was still the same and she hurt me a lot. but now... she's taking it seriously. she's done risking her happiness out of fear of hurting other people or getting hurt. we're doing so wonderfully, but i am still terrified to lose her. i sit up at night thinking about it. i know i shouldn't. i know that, if anything, that is what will hurt us in the end- my fear, my insecurity. i just wish i didn't have to think about everything so much.
we've gone from this:
to this:
to this:
to this:
in a year's time. and i can't wait for a lifetime more. as confused as i am right now, that's the one thing that i'm sure about.
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